(no subject)

Flamenco was very interesting. Lots of stamping and little wrist-twisting arm movements. It's kinda funny, since the other dance class I'm taking at the moment has hardly any arm or feet movement. I'm sore from wearing heels for an hour though. Karate was one of Steve's hard sessions last night. The ones where we stand around and do very traditional karate - strength, balance, technique (!). The ones that would be fine if we did the work more consistently. I think one of the problems at the club is that lack of consistent work. We'll do strangles, or pressure point holds, or kick boxing for the entire session if Alex feels like it, rather than allocating regular time for kata or sparring. It makes technique fairly patchy if you don't do extra work outside of class. It's not that I think we should do the same thing every class, it's just that there's no regularity in some of the basics. I appreciate that Alex's view of karate is very different to mine, but it's frustrating that there's no follow-up with things we need to know for grading. (Like this whole spinning back roundhouse kick. I don't know if I'm doing it right. And how can I tell unless I have someone watching?) Then we get a session with Steve. And now I have a bruise right where my watch sits on my wrist. *sigh*

Dichotomy

Maybe there are two people living inside my head. But that would be too easy. It'd make all this someone else's fault, someone else's problem. Truth is, it's mine. The way I see myself, my world-view, my emotions, my reactions. But I just don't know what to do with it.

I'm a beautiful, intelligent, young woman. I have all the options I could imagine wanting. I can pretty much choose to work wherever I want. I can choose whether I want to work a lot or a little. I have enough money to do the things I want to do. I love learning things. I find delight in so many ridiculous little things. I have admirers. I have friends. I have all the glory and prestige and approval I could wish for.

I should be happy.

I'm arrogant, easily bored, and emotionally brittle. Superficial. Tactless. Hidden behind barriers because I don't believe that there exists a person who will not hurt me. Troublemaker. Stirrer. Manipulative. Heartless. Hysterical overreactions. Paranoid. Empty.

Which is me?