Dichotomy

[msss]

Maybe there are two people living inside my head. But that would be too easy. It'd make all this someone else's fault, someone else's problem. Truth is, it's mine. The way I see myself, my world-view, my emotions, my reactions. But I just don't know what to do with it.

I'm a beautiful, intelligent, young woman. I have all the options I could imagine wanting. I can pretty much choose to work wherever I want. I can choose whether I want to work a lot or a little. I have enough money to do the things I want to do. I love learning things. I find delight in so many ridiculous little things. I have admirers. I have friends. I have all the glory and prestige and approval I could wish for.

I should be happy.

I'm arrogant, easily bored, and emotionally brittle. Superficial. Tactless. Hidden behind barriers because I don't believe that there exists a person who will not hurt me. Troublemaker. Stirrer. Manipulative. Heartless. Hysterical overreactions. Paranoid. Empty.

Which is me?

Comments

[deathpixie]

There's a Red Dwarf episode called "Confidence and Paranoia", where Dave Lister expounnds on the two people that live inside of al of us - the confident part, who tells us we're wonderful and there's nothing we can't do; and the paranoid part, who is always telling us how much we suck and how people are going to 'find us out' one day. (In the show Dave's versions came alive and Confidence shoved PAranoia in the garbage disposal and then exploded in deep space because he figured he was too cool to need his space suit, but I digress) Any way, the point being that we all have these two people living in our heads, and the both serve a purpose. It's only when one overcomes the other that we start having problems - too much confidence and you're unrealistic in your expectations, too much paranoia and you never do anything. It's like when you're training - you need the background in basics to keep you grounded with all the fancy stuff (and yes, I agree with you about Alex's teaching methods - we need consistency in training).

There are no magical answers to the question "how can I be happy?" I've been struggling with that myself. But I think it's important to accept that yes, sometimes the world sucks and it can hurt you, but if you spend your life hiding from it or bemoaning the fact, you'll look up one day and wonder where the last ten years went. Look at the way you think about yourself in certain situations, and do it objectively. Are you being fair on yourself? Chances are you're not, because you're letting your Paranoia speak for you.

*hugs* I'm glad to call you my friend, 'Mouse. You're an amazing person, and I wish I had half your talent in a lot of areas.

[msss.livejournal.com]

Confidence shoved PAranoia in the garbage disposal and then exploded in deep space because he figured he was too cool to need his space suit

ROTFL. Oh! That's hilarious. It's scary though, that I can see myself doing that. Not jumping into decompression, maybe (I'm not fit or rich enough to get into space), but doing stupid things because I'm insanely confident. :) The urge to walk in dark parks in the middle of the night in order to defy convention and common sense has somewhat worn off though. ;) Still LOL.

I think confidence needs to be tempered by the willingness to learn, even if what you learn is that you didn't do it right the first time.

Anyway, the reason this post happened is Will. Again. I don't know what I'm doing. It's usually much simpler than this. I think the guy's hot, we flirt, we date, etc. Easy.

This is complicated. He's religious. I don't really want to go to bed with him. (Well, I do. But it would be a bad idea.) I want to see him and be with him and all the sweet wonderful things of silly young people. But I also love power. I always have. You can get that (in unlimited amounts) from someone who likes you. You can get them to drive you home, even if it's out of the way. You can get them to dance attendance and heap flattery on you. You can twist their world-view and turn them to yours. I don't want to be using someone for the sheer thrill of manipulating them. I don't want to be that kind of person. That's what I was scared of, that part of me was like that. Paranoia reigned... :)