Defending my faith...
Jun. 13th, 2002 12:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
msssI guess I like throwing new things at people to see how they react. Just as a throwaway comment. Or an subtle reference in idle conversation. Maybe I'm twisted, but I love watching for that semi-panicked look in their eyes when they have to reclassify me.
One of these things has been my return to the church. Now, I freely admit that I have not been a good little church girl in recent years. I'd just moved out, was doing all the stupid stuff that you're meant to get over with in your teens. Enjoying my newfound freedom. This is the stage of my life where most people know me from. When I was delighted only by alcohol and guys and surface triviality. When I hid the dark side that went looking for someone I could justifiably fight by walking through parks alone at night. When I found the power of sexuality. When the arrogance was tempered only by the depths of depression. So I understand why they find it hard to believe.
But all of them? *shakes head*
You know, stuff like "Well, I'll believe it when I see you giving up guys and drinking." or "Are you getting brainwashed again?". (Okay, Alex didn't actually say that last one, but he thought it. And implied it.) How do I explain that my heart has been changed by something they don't believe in? How can I defend an organisation that has caused so much harm? How can I choose one faith among all those that vie for followers? Arguments to that coldly rational side of me. If I can't prove the existence of the Father, why should I waste my life following him?
For it can neither be proven or disproven that the Father exists. And I sit and put carefully weighted words into the discussion in the hope that they will bear fruit. The church was never meant to be a multinational organisation. Child abuse by people in power is not limited to priests. The church is not God. I am not blindly following rules. What freedom am I losing apart from the paths that have only led me to pain and despair?
The thing is, all I know is that I believe. All the arguments besides that are mere quibbling about window dressing.
But is that a doubt I see in mine own heart?
One of these things has been my return to the church. Now, I freely admit that I have not been a good little church girl in recent years. I'd just moved out, was doing all the stupid stuff that you're meant to get over with in your teens. Enjoying my newfound freedom. This is the stage of my life where most people know me from. When I was delighted only by alcohol and guys and surface triviality. When I hid the dark side that went looking for someone I could justifiably fight by walking through parks alone at night. When I found the power of sexuality. When the arrogance was tempered only by the depths of depression. So I understand why they find it hard to believe.
But all of them? *shakes head*
You know, stuff like "Well, I'll believe it when I see you giving up guys and drinking." or "Are you getting brainwashed again?". (Okay, Alex didn't actually say that last one, but he thought it. And implied it.) How do I explain that my heart has been changed by something they don't believe in? How can I defend an organisation that has caused so much harm? How can I choose one faith among all those that vie for followers? Arguments to that coldly rational side of me. If I can't prove the existence of the Father, why should I waste my life following him?
For it can neither be proven or disproven that the Father exists. And I sit and put carefully weighted words into the discussion in the hope that they will bear fruit. The church was never meant to be a multinational organisation. Child abuse by people in power is not limited to priests. The church is not God. I am not blindly following rules. What freedom am I losing apart from the paths that have only led me to pain and despair?
The thing is, all I know is that I believe. All the arguments besides that are mere quibbling about window dressing.
But is that a doubt I see in mine own heart?
